I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
