Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
