The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
