I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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