I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
