the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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