I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
