I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
