My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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