In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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