I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
