Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
