On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
