He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
