Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize