Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I don't think brook has ever known best
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
