I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
