I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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