I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
