i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will be naked everywhere
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
