We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
