I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
