Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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