So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
