why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize