its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
