Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
