If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize