Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
