she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
