Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
