So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
