I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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