ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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