he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
3 2 1 whiskey
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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