I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
