hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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