I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
