i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
