just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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