Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I need to calm my uterus...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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