that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
