When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
