My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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