There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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