I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
