I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
