I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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