What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
