apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize