ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
