First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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