Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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