I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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