oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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