he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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