and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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