you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
