you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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