I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Welp...herpes.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
