What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
