so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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