I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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