Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
