That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
