there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
