i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
