I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
